Think about a time when a friend or loved one spent more time with someone else, and you felt left out. Jealousy happens even when we don’t want it to and can be a tricky feeling to navigate. That little voice in your head that’s making you worry about losing someone you care about can be hard to shut out. 

In romantic relationships, jealousy can be even more heightened. It’s not always comfortable but it is normal, and you're definitely not the only one who feels this way. Luckily, there are simple, practical steps you can take to handle these feelings so that jealousy doesn't get in the way of your happiness.

What is jealousy in a relationship, and what does jealousy feel like?

Jealousy is that uneasy feeling you get when you're worried someone else might take something or someone you value. It’s often mistaken for envy, where someone has something you want for yourself. But jealousy isn’t about desire. It’s a fear of losing what you have to someone else. In relationships, this might look like feeling uneasy when your partner talks about an attractive new co-worker or when they spend a lot of time with friends. 

This emotion isn't just about what you see or hear. It's also about what's going on inside your head. Jealousy can make you imagine things that aren't real, like your partner preferring someone else's company over yours. It can lead you to check their messages, ask too many questions, or even follow them around. These actions are signs of jealousy taking hold, and if you find yourself exhibiting these behaviors, it may be time to address why you’re feeling this way.

It's also important to remember that jealousy feels different for everyone. Some people might get quiet and keep their feelings to themselves, while others might become more clingy or seek reassurance by asking questions. There's no one-size-fits-all in terms of the way jealousy shows up for people, but the common thread is that it's not a pleasant feeling, and it can make you act in a way that’s out of character.

What causes jealousy?

When we feel jealous, chances are that there's something deeper going on that we're being invited to uncover.  Getting to know some of the more common triggers can be a big step in dealing with jealousy in our relationships.

Insecurities: Low self-esteem is a major driver of feelings of jealousy. Maybe you think you're not funny enough, smart enough, or good-looking enough. These doubts can make you feel like you're not enough for your partner, and that can lead to self-sabotaging and feeling suspicious.

Past experiences: Our past can have a big influence on how we feel now. If someone has let you down or hurt you before, it's natural to worry it might happen again.

Fear of loss: Nobody likes to lose someone they care about. In relationships, the thought of losing your partner to someone else can be terrifying. That fear can stir up feelings of jealousy.

Comparison can cause jealousy: Sometimes, you might look at the people around your partner and think they're better in some way. Social media can be particularly challenging because often we’re comparing ourselves to a curated version of someone else. This can make us feel less confident and tend toward feelings of jealousy, even if we usually feel secure about ourselves.

Mood-related factors: How you feel overall can affect how easily you get jealous. If you're already feeling sad or stressed, you might be more sensitive and more likely to feel jealous. Especially if you struggle with mental health challenges like depression, OCD, or anxiety.

Lack of open communication: Misunderstandings often show up in relationships, especially if you have different attachment styles or show love in different ways.

How to deal with a partner who feels jealous
Sometimes, you might find that it's your partner who has jealous feelings. Instead of just labeling them a “jealous person”, remember that dealing with jealousy is a team effort, just like the relationship itself. With patience and open communication, you can turn a moment of jealousy into an opportunity for growth in your relationship.

Encourage open conversations: create a comfortable space where your partner can discuss their feelings without fear of judgment. Let them know it's safe to share what's on their mind.

Listen without criticism: when your partner opens up, listen carefully. Don't interrupt or get defensive. Understanding their perspective is key.

Avoid blaming: pointing fingers won't solve anything. Instead, focus on how you both can move forward and strengthen your bond.

 Navigating relationships can be tricky. Press play on our Love and Relationships series to add some more emotional intimacy tools to your toolbelt.